you don't break the fourth wall in order to fix the building
It was 66 days into my journey as a Dom when it clicked what it means to “hold the container” or “hold the line”. A late night, an early morning, a 5 year old, long distance, and a busy day ahead led to a breaking down in the dynamic which I own. My submissive is extremely smart and probably knew this all along, but what clicked for me finally was that in those moments when we’re up against the edge of the container (lack of sleep, kiddo, life obligations), “holding the line” means using the dynamic to keep it in place, instead of exiting the container (i.e. pulling back from the dynamic) to try to strengthen it from the outside. You fix the situation and lead through it by using the power exchange hotness and everything that comes with it, not by pausing it. You don’t break the fourth wall in order to fix the building.
The right things for the dynamic in those moments are not things that come naturally to me. Enforcing dynamic rules, rituals, obedience when it’s going well is easy; doing it when we’re at the edge of the container is where I need to move against my natural “safe” state; to lean into and embrace potential discomfort, risk, and conflict. The personal growth I want from the dynamic is to build confidence, assertiveness, and to drop people-pleasing. It’s also about welcoming discomfort and conflict instead of avoiding it, saying what I want, pushing my will, and backing myself. In those moments like the one I described - reality, obligations, and real needs meet the edge of the container - is exactly where this personal growth will occur for me. Between an attempt to “be myself” and “not pretend to be someone I’m not” and overindexing on the one time just “being dominant and forcing submission” backfired, I was entirely avoiding handling the growth moments; the hard bits that keep the dynamic going and are exactly what my sub needs from me.
Where I would “pull back from the dynamic until we can step back into the container”, because that felt safe, now I’ll “lean into and use the dynamic to keep us in the container”. Unless she’s explicitly asking for an out in that moment, I know where I stand. I know she’s bought in and I know it turns her wildly on. I just need to believe I’m not an asshole for enforcing it, and in that moment when my heart is hammering in my chest and adrenaline is racing through my blood, I’m alive, dominant, and right where I should lead her.